Designated Sidekick

From one guy to any other guy
This post isn’t about comics. It’s about me, my fellow males, and the wonderful world of patriarchy, privilege and guys trying to be helpful in totally unhelpful ways. It sprang to life from my experience of wandering through the Gendered Violence thread on the Girl-Wonder forums, and from other experiences around the feminist and feminist allies blogs. It’s open to suggestions, arguments and discussion. (It’s also quite long, so I’ve cut it for the sake of the RSS readers)

On the subject of patriarchy

• Patriarchy exists. We’re soaking in it and benefiting from it. Even the fact I can write this post is part of the patriarchy’s benefits. I’m male, and that gives me a socially conditioned belief that I have a right to voice my opinion and make it other people’s opinion.
• Privilege happens, is real, and is mostly invisible to the privileged. It’s also got huge benefits, and it’s really really powerful, and it lets me do lots of neat things. Seriously, it’s called privilege for a reason. Male privilege exists in a lot of forms, and one of the big ones is our male derived ability to speak out, speak our minds and not receive a range of gendered threats. I’ve been blogging Designated Sidekick for ZERO death threats, rape threats and no derogatory comments about my sexual attractiveness or capacity for marriage.
• Privilege is fucking awesome. No, seriously, it is. I have an idea of just how much more I get away with in life because I’m part of the dominant power structure. I can’t complain about the benefits, but I can complain that these are exclusive benefits that should not be granted to me because I was born male (It is not a hardship for me to be promoted ahead of a better qualified female candidate. It’s an injustice, not a hardship. There’s a difference). Just because it’s awesome doesn’t mean we shouldn’t work to either share it or hell, give the damn thing up because it’s damaging to other people’s lives.

On the subject of feminism

• It takes more than a t-shirt with “This is what a feminist looks like” to be a feminist. It’s bloody hard to be a feminist, it’s work, and it’s hard work. That’s the point though - it’s worth the effort and the price you pay to live a life this way. Merely saying you’re a feminist doesn’t make you one (male or female). I walk around wearing priest shirts (seriously, collarless shirts bought from a Catholic Supply Store), that don’t make me part of the clergy even if I’ve got the book, the shirt and the little crucified christ on a string props. Takes more than the external apperances.
• There is no hive vagina. Feminist is an adjective and a noun, not a collective.
• There is no hive penis either. If there was, it would probably be annoying the hive vagina right about now.
• Feminists are people. They’re capable of screwing up, being inconsistent, and they’re every bit as likely to subscribe to stupid ideas as anyone else on the planet. You get smart and dumb in this gig, just like everywhere else.
• Actually, that bears repeating. Feminists are people. People do good, bad, smart and dumb.

On the subject of gendered violence (male against female)

• Women have heard of self defense classes. Suggesting it to them is dumb. Why be dumb in written record?
• Telling a woman she should take self defense classes to avoid rape is blaming whether you wanted to blame her, think you’re blaming her, or think you’re presenting some radical new idea. You’re not, and you’re saying that unless she takes active steps to defend herself through training, somehow, it’s partly her fault.
• Being a guy making a suggestion on how women can avoid rape happening is pretty bloody likely to be either implicit or explicit blaming. That’s because the best person to assist in avoiding rape happening is the perpetrator. Anyone other than the perpetrator isn’t in a position to make a contribution that’s ever going to be 100% effective.
• If X was different or “If you’d done X” is blaming.
• The current socio-economic political dynamic of ‘enlightened’ society* presumes fault and guilt on women in the event of sexual assault. More effort is expended on exploring the “What She Did Wrong” options than on the “Why did he had act like that?”. I say he, because if you’re talking about gendered violence of man against woman, then there’s a he involved.
• I am aware of gender violence of woman against man. I know, I’ve experienced it. It’s real, it happens, and it’s every bit as wrong as male against female. It’s just a lot less visible, and until society equals the divide, it’s hard for male victims of female violence to be taken credibly, because “she’s just a girl” is dismissive of the power of the person in the perpetrator role, and a form of denial of the power/strength/humanity of the female perpetrator.
• Telling a woman to buy a gun as a solution to gendered violence is stupid. If she wanted a gun, and lived somewhere she could get a gun, she’d have a gun. Did you really think that as some random male on an internet message board, you’d be the tipping point?
• Your opinion is noted, but that doesn’t mean you’ve generated a brand new world view for the whole of the internet to see. Chances are, she’s heard of self defence classes, or guns, or knives, or whatever blindingly obvious statement you’ve just made. See above. You are not the tipping point.
• You are not the tipping point. Your male privilege laden authoritive declaration is not the tipping point for the woman you’re talking at (but rarely talking to).

Other useful advice on the way through feminist boards and blogs…

• If called on a statement, listen (or read), then rethink, then actually think, then sit down, shut up and think again, then respond. If you really, genuinely, seriously did not mean to say what was interpreted as said, you’ll WANT TO HEAR THAT YOU’RE MISCOMMUNICATING. If you’re going to get pissed off and just repeat the same statement again and again, you’re missing the point, and frankly, you’re probably not actually serious about what you said if you’re not prepared to listen to someone explain why what you though you were saying wasn’t what you actually said.
• Also, seriously, when it comes to male perspectives on female issues, any guy who’s serious about it should listen to the women. They live with it. 24-7. We blog it, talk it, maybe inadvertently cause it, but it’s not us in the firing line.
• When it comes to declarative statements of “What Other People Should Do (TM)”, one rule - no body part, no entry. This should cover the cisgender male desire to say just how the rest of the gendered spectrum should live when it comes to declarative statements involving vaginas (for reference, that includes periods, pregnancy, contraceptive devices and who gets to decide what gets put in there), transgender issues and anything else. If it’s your testicles on the line, then feel free to put forward ideas about what can and can’t be done to them by other people.  If not, then the body part’s ownership goes to the body attached to it. The final word always goes to the person with the body parts - I don’t get to make the call on what fate befalls your testicles, you don’t get the final call on anyone’s vagina.
• You are probably a real nice guy, genuine and decent. In which case, a) it’s a shame you just suggested to someone they’re to blame for being raped/being a target for rape but b) if you are a really nice guy and genuine, you’ll be mortified you said that, remorseful about that screw up, and you’ll take action on your behalf to not make that screw up again (and again and again) in the same thread and in the future. Own the mistake, change the behaviour for the future.
• The person who inflicts the violence owns the violence. Men are to blame for the own actions. It may come as a surprise to many, but women are not to blame for the actions of men. This is because men are capable of self control, independent thought, resisting visual stimuli and all sorts of wonderfully sophisticated mental processes. If men couldn’t do that, there would be no sport. There’s a lot of sport, so men are quite competent in this region.
• Yes, I know. You’re not one of the bad guys. Neither am I. However, due to the fact society has thus far failed to create a credible identify friend/foe system for reality, the person in the forum, or on the street, or at the bus stop on their own has no way to externally verify whether we’re good or bad. What you say and do often has to be interpreted without the context. I’m a nice guy, friendly, trustworthy and an active feminist blogger, but without context, all that people can do is interpret what I’ve said or how I’m acting. If I look threatening, then I am threatening, even if I’m a really nice guy and a feminist.
• Did I mention that society sucks in the fact that we have to identify friend/foe? It does, and that doesn’t change the fact that if you’re a male on the friendly/ally side, you have extra work to do. But then again, whatever men have to do to make the patriarchal orientated world into a more evenly balanced arena is a small price to pay for a better world. Face it, we were never getting this for free.

In summary, three keys

• You are not the tipping point. Your male privilege laden authoritative declaration is not the tipping point for the woman you’re talking at (but rarely talking to). Seriously, stop assuming that just because you’ve typed it, that’s reason enough to make the difference to the woman’s decision. This applies to decisions to have children, marriage, sexual preference, gender roles, decision to own a macintosh or any other issue. Sure, you can suggest, you can recommend, you can say “Well, there’s these good points”, but only if the issue is up for debate. If it’s not up for debate, it’s not up for debate. Don’t debate it.
• You are not a woman. Seriously, guys, you’re not women. If it’s an issue that’s likely to be part of a woman’s life, she’s probably thought about it, formed an opinion, and probably has her own decisions on it. You’re not going to be the tipping point, and you’re not going to be the decision maker. If you want to talk to her about it, talk to her, not at her.
• No, we do not have a worse deal than women. We don’t. Quit trying to say we do, or trying to equate non-hardships to hardship or whatever the hell demeaning thing you’re saying this week (for the record, having to wear a suit and tie to work is not the equivalent of a being under the requirements of hijab). Having to sometimes check our privilege at the door is small price for owning the privilege and being allowed up to the door in the first place.

*Enlightened society is the one you’re living in. Other people are the uncivilized outsiders, right?

Bonus Point : If you engage in behaviour on a feminist blog, board, forum or any other location that contravenes the rules of the board/blog/location, and you get warned or banned, you are not being persecuted. You’re being banned for breaking the rules of the venue. If you try that sort of crap in a pub, you’ll get bounced, and thumped one for your troubles. On the internet, you only get bounced.

Three Notes to a Rant:

Note 1: Men can control themselves.
One thing we need to seriously deal with as males is this horrific notion of ourselves as being lesser creatures than animals. The idea that “Men can’t control their urges” is a disgusting degrading and reprehensible way to describe men. It’s also absolutely wrong. We can. Society may establish normative frameworks that allow us to escape punished when we act inappropriately, but that does not mean we’re animals. Saying men can’t control their urges is to place the male human lower in the cognitive pecking order than a guard dog. Dogs can be trained by men to resist the dog’s instinctive behaviours, but the males can’t be trained? I like to believe that I have a slightly higher cognitive firepower than a dog.

We’re guys. It’s our job to control our behaviours, take responsibility for our actions, and to front up and own our gender’s over entitled position of privilege. We’re not blamed when its our actions, and that’s a cop out by society, and a cop out by each and every male who doesn’t step up and say “Hey, our actions, our responsibility”.

Note 2: My credentials in this matter

I’m a guy. I’ve been through all-male highschool, I’ve been on the receiving end and delivery end of male on male school violence. My blood literally stained the floorboards of the school walkway, and that remained that way for many years. I’ve been hit from behind in a class room and had my nose fractured, I’ve got a broken finger on my right hand from where I screwed up a haymaker punch on another guy at school. I’ve done the fight in the gym locker room to settle a score. I’ve carried a knife for self protection (and thankfully, I never had to use it). I’ve trained in Tae Kwon Do, I’ve done full contact sparring. I have a collection of pointed and bladed weapons. In short, if I didn’t have an ideological objection to guns based on my distaste for the dishonourable nature of ranged weapons, I’d have fired a gun, and probably would own a couple of them.

I’ve looked at a woman and seen her for her physical appearance ahead of who she is (sometimes I find myself going “wow! She’s cute” in my brain, and I can’t help but wonder if that’s influencing and skewing my behaviour). I watch porn, and I freely admit that on the internet. I play violent video games with male leads, I watch action films and my toy figure collection consists of male figurines with the exception of Black Canary. I mark out for patriarchy enforcing gender role enforcing stereotype enforcing entertainment on TV, in the cinema and on the PC. I’ve paid money to watch the WWE live shows and PPVs, been to strip clubs, and bought into the patriarchy’s party line at various times.
In short, I’m a guy, flawed and prone to screwing up. But one of the best things I found about feminism is that it’s a lot like first person shooter video games. You’re gonna screw up, get your arse handed to you, and get the shit kicked out of you. Then you’re going to get back up, and do things differently until you get it right, get through, learn from the experience and tackle the next level and the next challenge. Sure, there aren’t that many quick saves in reality, but there’s also more walkthrough guides and better cooperative play. So take the skills of adapting, learning and trying again out of the FPS and into making the world just that little bit better.
We’re guys. We’re socially conditioned to believe we can make the world a better place by our individual actions, so let’s use our privilege induced conditioning for contributing to a more balanced society. It’s just like when you use the fallen opponent’s weapons in FPS games innit?
Note 3: I’ve probably screwed up in this post.

I just don’t know where, because I can’t see past my own world view. That’s why if I have, I rely on people calling me out on it, assisting me to see beyond the boundaries I currently have, and so I get to go “Ah hell, I said WHAT?. I thought I said X, and it came out as Y? OH CRAP” . So call it if you see it.
Also, I know I keep switching between male/female and man/woman. Which is the more useful or better way of phrasing the gender? (Also, please tell me I didn’t swap sex and gender interchangeably)

And yes, this is a long post. Anyone really surprised by that fact?

Note 4 of 3: Props.

Thank you to Jen, Karen, Mary, numerous posters at Girl-Wonder’s bulletin boards, zuzu, piny & jill @ feministe and the crew at feminist allies. Without you, I’d never been thinking about half of this stuff, and certainly wouldn’t have traded a night of videogaming for a night of feminist blogging. Thank you.

Note 5 of 3 (edit date, Feb 2008)

I’ve received a couple of comments about the “no vagina, no comment” approach indicating that it doesn’t sit right in regards to transgender female.  As much as I’d love to be all defensive, I was wrong in how I put that line out there. I drew a line in the virtual sand that wasn’t necessary.  So I’ve redone the section as “no body part, no declarative statement”. Partly, because y’know, I have no desire to have my body parts fates determined by people who don’t have them, and that’s a mutual courtesy I’d like Team Cisgender Male to pass onto the rest of the community.

That said, the basic premise is that if you don’t have it, you’re not experienced with it, and what makes you believe your inexperienced position is more authorative than the position held by someone with the experience. It’s still clumsy and inexact, and this is a work in progress, and I’m willing to update and change it over time.

Plus, to be reflective and honest, I knew very little on the gender spectrum back when I put this piece together. I’ve been reading a lot more, and, yeah, cisgendered declarative statement on what constitutes “womanhood” *facepalm*  Told you I was capable of screwing up didn’t I?

DS