Designated Sidekick

All these years of trying to be a supervillian, and all for naught. Thankfully, our friendly neighbourhood fruitloop has provided the proof positive that I’m a villian with the stunningly stupid declaration that women who don’t have babies can’t be superheros.

Yes, folks, it’s true. No baby, no cowl. (Which makes Stephanie a superhero. She bred for the Batcause before she bleed for the Batcause).

Now, I’d usually put this guy in the same basket at the Reptilian Agenda. Except, that there’s stunning logic here that just makes my little cold blooded scaly skin positive change colour.

Brace your self with something sturdy, like a clue, because we’re going into uncharted depths here.

It’s play by play time.

Superheroes are supposed to be beings who have superpowers, or at least talents and skills outside the normal range, who feel they have a duty to use these abilities outside the normal range of accepted occupations.

Okay, we’re kicking off okay here, but you’ve got to worry about the set up. There’s a “y’all nodding in agreement? Right?” in there, and that’s before paragraph 2.

The fact that these abilities are so phenomenal and unique is seen as sufficient to confer a duty to use them. “With great power comes great responsibility” (from Spiderman) and all that.

Well, no. Some of them fight crime for the glory, some for the product endorsement (booster gold), some because they’re paid to do it (anyone in the Avengers), some to avenge lost family (Batman), some to get laid, some do it for the thrillkill, some do it for the love of the game (Jason Todd?), some because they’re paying off karmic debt (Hal Jordan) or are under contract from The Higher Powers (Spectre). So yes, assuming we’re all spiderman here, we’ve all got to do this because It’s Our Duty.

Possessing superstrength is interpreted as having a duty to use that strength to help those weaker, for example. Not using that ability when it could be exercised means that the possessor has made a decision to allow those he/she/it could have stopped to cause harm.

Oh Frank Miller in a tutu. You can’t seriously be buying the moral imperative of failure to intervene equates to conscious act to harm can you? Oh wait, it’s a set up. Forget I asked.

A person finds him-/her-self with physical attributes which he/she did not ask for, may not want, and wich involve considerable consequence

Yeah, I get that about my gorgeous hair. That’s why I fight crime.

Yet, in the world of superheroes, it is dereliction of duty to not use these attributes to make a difference.

Yes Virginia, in comics, just because you’re tall, you HAVE TO BE A BASKETBALL PLAYER. No choice. It’s like having The Rock as your God - know your genetic role and shut your mouth. It’s also the premise for some fairly unpleasant role definitions based on assumptions of natural orders of things, and it’s the sort of assumed role based on physical trait that’s quite illogical
“You are short. You must go horseracing as a jockey”
“But I want to be a scientist”
“Too short. Now get a ladder and get on the damn horse”

So, a person who finds him-/her-self with the physical ability to perform one of the major miracles in the Univers–to create life–and does nothing with the equipment provided, is flouting one of the basic rules of superdom.

WHOOP! WHOOP! WE HAVE PAY OFF. Nonsensical payload deployed!

First up, let’s marvel at the misuse of the term miracle. Technically, a miracle is “An event that appears inexplicable by the laws of nature and so is held to be supernatural in origin or an act of God”

So, let’s break it down.

1. Egg + Sperm = Explicable. Explicable != Miracle. You lose. Please forfeit any internets won in the last 24 hours and go home.

2. Sex is supernatural. Dean, Sam, Sex. yeah, I can see that. I’ve written some of that too.

3. Sex is an act of God. I can see that for some of the people involved, getting laid would require divine intervention, so maybe. Sure, during sex, Oh God! Oh God! Oh God! Oh God! may give the misleading impression of the Deity being in there doing the driving, but barring that one time about 2000 years back, God’s basically been keeping it in the celestial pants.

so, this guy puts the rest of his post on this pay off that the “physical ability to perform one of the major miracles” is a superpower. Um. No. Noted scholar and medical scientist Bill Hicks once summed it up as “When did making a baby become a miracle?”. It’s a biological process. It’s a non miracle based process. In fact, it’s so non miracle inducing, you can do it in a decently equipped lab (decent equipment includes leather jackets and good supplies of hair gel).

Makin’ babies ain’t no miracle my friend. It’s as miracle inducing as stabbing the Joker and making him bleed. Look at all them little miracles pouring from his shoulder. Miracle!

It runs exactly contrary to the entire basis of superheroes to have a being endowed with certain equipment to refuse to use that equipment the way it was designed to be used simply because that individual’s personal pleasure buttons are not pushed by so doing.

*blink* It does what? Look, Jack, there’s a lot of this dealt with in a lot of cannon, but the bottom line is this - not every metahuman in the DC universe is a superhero. This was established in canon during the 1988 Invasion Storyline where, and I quote Wikipedia ” The greatest impact of Invasion was its introduction of the metagene as the explanation within the DC Universe as to how some people become superheroes”.

The metahuman factor was illustrated to be something that was present in people who weren’t humans who, during the Gene Bomb’s impact, fell ill or died from the Gene Bomb. Ordinary people who were metahuman, but who didn’t have a cape and mask. DC’s universe has the metas in the bag as ordinary people. It may have changed, but back in the day, being meta wasn’t conscription to the War on Crime. Heck, being mugged doesn’t force you into being a vigilante either.

As to the boldly sweeping statement of “it runs exactly contrary”, the author of the original bollocks may wish to add “My Interpretation Of The Way Things Are Is That” at the start of their statement. I don’t see a moral imperative, let alone a moral conscription. Sure, Spiderman had guilt which he rationalises as the “great power, great responsibility”, but if Ben had died from choking down a Big Mac, would Spidey be campaign for less junk food in school?

A superhero has, say, superstrength. This hero also has a female form. To have this person use her superpower, her physical attribute of superstrength, to help others, as she was designed to do, and then turn around and refuse to use her other superpower, to creat life and nurture it the way she was designed to do, means that the character is inconsistent on a very basic level.

A superhero has, say, superstrength. This hero also has a male form. To have this person use his superpower, his physical attribute of superstrength, to help others, as he was designed to do, and then turn around and refuse to use his other superpower (THE POWER OF SUPERSTRENGTH TESTICLES OF STEEL SPERM), to create life (TWO TO TANGO! SUPERIMPREGNATE!) and go off and be whatever male role this nutter designates the way he was designed to do, means that the character is inconsistent on a very basic level.

Yes. If you’re superhero male, and you’re not knocking up the ladies and breeding the master race, you’re not a hero.

Which, y’know, given my lack of kids, and that I was genetically designed and designated as a sperm delivery system (Hi, My Name Is Steve, And I’m A Sperm Carrier. May I Impregnate You?), I can’t be a hero.

All that money I spent on a lair, and I could get a vascetomy on the National Health. Damn. If i’d have known, I wouldn’t have wasted that effort.

You can’t have it both ways.

Certainly not if you’re a lesbian. That’s the very definition of one way traffic. You’re confusing the issue with bisexuality. That’s two way traffic. Then there’s Dick “Boom Boom” Grayson who’s a one man freeway of sexual conduct. He has it any which way including loose, interspecies, intergender, and I’m sure he’s humped the Batmobile at least once. But I digress.

Either the superhero accepts the duties that her physical attributes confer on her, or she is no hero.

Yeah, BITCH. Oh wait, YOU MUST ADHERE TO MY RULES OR BE WRONG. Not that there’s some moral bind on the blokes. I mean, if I was a superhero and hung like a Plastic Man on Viagra, I Must Use My Sexual Organ For Crime Fighting. Cos, y’know, I am no hero if I do not use my physical attributes for that are contributed upon me. Hence BoomBoom Grayson is a hero, for he uses his inability to keep it in his BatPants (or Bruce’s Batpants) any chance he can. Hero.

A lesbian superhero is a contradiction in terms.

Lesbian: A woman whose sexual orientation is to women.
Superhero: A figure, especially in a comic strip or cartoon, endowed with superhuman powers and usually portrayed as fighting evil or crime.

*blink* Look. Buddy. That’s a level of “Isn’t it ironic?” that Alanis Morrisette rejected. A contradiction in terms? If she fights crime, that’s…superheroic. If she commits crimes, that’s supervillanic, and if she’s dating another girl, that’s just super. I get the feeling i have the wrong dictionary, since I keep having to look up these words like “lesbian” to see if they mean “A figure, especially in a comic strip or cartoon, NOT endowed with superhuman powers and/or WHO usually IS NOT portrayed as fighting evil or crime”. So, y’know, Lesbian means women without superpowers or women who don’t fight crime.

Woah. That’s a lot of lesbians under that definition.

The new Batwoman is an unworkable concept; to make it workable, they should have her come to terms with all of her physical equipment, and accept her fate as who she is.

Yeah. She’s a bitchassbreeder that’s got a refridgerator with her name on it. Seriously. WHAT? Ahem. Huh?

You said what? Okay. Okay. I’ll breathe and let you explain your impersonation of logic.

She is not a man (or whatever) trapped in a female body; she is a female body saddled with a mentality that prevents her from using her powers for good.

Because she doesn’t fight crime with her attack womb. babymaker! babymaker! DoeswhateverIVFCan! Breeds a child any size! Reproduces just like….So that’s why my concept pitch for LesbianBabyMachine and IVFGirl failed. No catchy theme song.

That can’t be a plan for a superhero. But it could be a plan for a script, in which the superheor comes to the realization that she must use all of her physical gifts, instead of picking and choosing the ones she likes at the moment.

Yeah, cos women can’t be choosy. They have to use all their powers all the time. Just the way Cyclops walks around eyes wide open, goggles off, because he can’t just pick and choose the ones he likes at the moment.

Anyway, the Lizard Guys move up the charts, and this guy makes me think that if we are run by scaly cold blooded overlords… the sooner they get out of the LA Underground and get on with it, the better.